Control of Sex

Taking control of sex entails training your husband that sex is for your benefit, not his. It is not the case that he is no longer to be allowed to enjoy sex. On the contrary, you will find that under the new arrangement he will be more excited and satisfied than ever. It is simply that even when sex is directed at your satisfaction, your husband will inevitably be satisfied as well.

The rule you want to establish is that sex happens when you want it to happen. You do not have sex simply because your husband is aroused. You have sex when you are in the mood for it.

Depending on your situation, you might propose this arrangement directly. It may happen, though, that your husband will not naturally take to this arrangement. In that case it is probably better to ease into the arrangement gradually.

You can choose one of two methods for controlling when sex occurs. You must choose one method and stay with it; if you change methods you will create great confusion for your husband. Either method will work but you should choose the method that you feel most comfortable with.

Your choice of methods is to either let your husband propose sex but wait for you to accept, or
reserve initiation of sex to entirely yourself.

If you feel uncomfortable initiating sex or if you prefer to let him take the initiative, then you need to discourage your husband from expecting sex whenever he asks for it, but make it clear to him that you still expect him to propose sex.

The main challenge for the first part will be to summon the courage to say "no," "not yet," or "not until." Once your husband gets it in his head that its time for sex then he will become relentless. Most of the time, you will want to turn that energy toward his chores. Only when you are in the mood and you are satisfied with his behavior should you accept his proposition. He may become frustrated at your frequent denials but if you are firm and you occasionally say "yes" then eventually he will grow accustomed to the arrangement.

For the second part, you simply need to avoid initiating sex and tell him, repeatedly, that you don't want to initiate sex.

In practice, if you choose this style then you will find him proposing sex seemingly all of the time and you choosing those few occasions when you wish to accept it. Of course, each such proposal from him becomes an opportunity for you to make a request. You might say, "not now but I would appreciate if you would vacuum the living room."

Additionally, you can accept his proposal for your own sexual satisfaction but still withhold his own release until another time. For example, you might respond to his proposal by directing him to give you oral and ending the encounter with that. Thank him for giving you an orgasm and encourage him to ask again later. Leaving him guessing when you will stop with your own satisfaction and when you will allow him to be satisfied adds great spice to your marriage.

If you choose the second option, then you need to do two things:

discourage your husband from initiating sex, and
encourage your husband to respond to your initiation of sex.
To accomplish the first, you must avoid all appearance of enthusiasm whenever your husband initiates sex. You can say you "have a headache" or you can go along but stare impatiently at the ceiling or at your finger nails. Don't help him with suggestions as to what you desire but lay quietly and passively. And under no circumstances should you allow yourself to reach orgasm when your husband has initiated sex.

At the same time, you must begin to initiate sex yourself. You can initiate sex subtly or directly. You might tease his crotch or put on lingerie. Or you might simply say, "I want you to make love to me tonight." Or just proceed to make love to him. In any case, when you have initiated sex you must allow your husband to satisfy you completely and entirely as discussed above. You must express your passion without inhibition. Moan and scream with pleasure at his touch. Freely direct your husband as to what pleases you most. Don't be afraid to tell him that you prefer this position or that. Or that you prefer that he perform oral on you. Don't be afraid to just take over altogether.

Your husband will eventually learn that when he initiates sex, sex is boring and degrading. He will feel impotent, figuratively and perhaps literally, at his failure to bring you satisfaction when he is in charge. He will also learn that when he responds to your initiation, sex is exciting and satisfying for both partners. It is only a matter of time before he is hanging on your every word and gesture waiting for his opportunity to satisfy you, and himself.

What is interesting is that if your husband is like most men, his sex drive will probably increase with your control of sex. This is a danger to which you must be alert. Your husband may feel frustrated that he has lost control over the frequency of sex. If, as is usually the case, he also prefers more frequent sex under the new arrangement, the frustration will be all the greater.

You must come to the rescue. You must cede some control back to him. You do this by indicating to him what things he can do to "get you in the mood." Things that get you in the mood might include gestures such as dining out, small gifts, and flowers, and, of course, doing household chores.

The best time to make these suggestions is during foreplay. Just mention, casually, that you are in the mood for sex tonight but that you might be in the mood more often if he were to take you out occasionally. This is the best time because in addition to providing specific information to your husband, that his attention to you puts you in the mood for sex, you are also establishing a psychological link between sex and the desired behavior.

You might also make these suggestions if your husband raises the issue of the frequency of sex. He might, for example, confront you with his frustrations. You should be prepared to respond with suggestions that will ease his sexual frustration. This is not the ideal time to make these suggestions but it may be necessary. It is better to head off this confrontation by making your suggestions during sexual foreplay.

Now that you are in control of sex you are ready to begin the techniques that will transform your marriage and make you the Queen of your household. Everything so far has been mere preparation. Preparing you to take charge of your marriage. Preparing your husband for your ascendancy.